If your dad is a man of few words, you’ve probably already figured out that silence doesn’t necessarily mean distance. “Some men were taught to love in presence, not paragraphs—and that still counts,” says Melanie Preston, a therapist in Atlanta whose dad has always shown up strong but quiet. She remembers him comforting her during life’s hard times with a pat on the back or a hand on her knee.
“That was all I needed, because it spoke volumes,” she says. “We’re talking even when we’re not speaking.”
Still, sometimes it would be nice to hear, well, actual words. A Pew Research Center survey found that dads are more likely than moms to say they communicate with their kids less often than they’d like—and many young adults feel the same desire to connect more with their fathers.
We asked experts to share simple strategies to get silent dads to talk more (and maybe even enjoy it).
Meet him where he is—literally
Some dads are doers who like to keep their hands busy. That’s why it’s a good idea to meet yours where he is, Preston says, whether that’s underneath the Mustang he’s restoring or alongside him on his canoe. Her dad owned a trucking company, so growing up, she often joined him on weekends as he was washing and fixing 18-wheelers. “He may have been asking me to hand him tools, but we were talking about school, or he was giving me advice,” she says. Think about what your dad is currently into, and meet him there. “I think dads are most comfortable in whatever their element is. There will be a conversation you can have, and he won’t even really know.”
Sit next to him, not in front of him
Eye contact can make a conversation feel like an interview, so try sitting next to your dad, suggests Nicole Herway, a therapist in Sandy, Utah, and the self-described daughter of a silent dad. Invite him to an event like a baseball game, which calls for both of you to be looking straight ahead, eyes fixed on the action. Or, go grocery shopping together.
Read More: 10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can
“If I sit down in front of my dad and ask him to share something, he’s just like, ‘Oh, you don’t want to hear that,’” she says. “But if you’re doing something together, even as simple as going to the grocery store, you can pull down a box of cereal and be like, ‘Did they have this when you were a kid? What did you eat for breakfast when you were little?’” Next thing you know, you’ll be hearing all about the boiled egg he had every morning, and how there was no such thing as cereal back in his day.